Jason’s babblings.

It all started back in the ‘caveman days’ when early humans were finding their path through evolution. There was also a much smaller (in both quantity and individual size) group of hominids evolving in a separate direction. These little people were mostly secluded and lived high up in trees to keep away from their much larger, more aggressive cousins. They were forced to go around at night to gather food and supplies so they developed very good eyesight. They also developed an innate ability to craft tools from bone and wood. Sometimes, these elfish people would be spotted by the occasional late-night straggler or someone who couldn’t get to sleep. The elfish people would run away before they were identified, but they would leave behind whatever they were carrying so they could get away faster.

See where I’m going with this?

That’s right. They do exist. Elves have been around for many millenia, and they’re so good at hiding themselves that they are only known to us humans as jokes or myths. Evolution split the early elves into two other smaller groups of minipeople: the dwarves and the gnomes. Dwarves were larger than the average elf and disproportionately heavier. They are believed to have died off around 25K BCE due to lack of motivation. Gnomes are still around today, and are generally more evil-minded. They survived by scavenging and stealing from anyone who had anything to steal. They still steal things from passers-by and from houses of people who think having a little person on their lawn is cute.

Along side the dwarves and gnomes, elves went through their own set of evolution paths. The Keebler species elves evolved to live in trees exclusively and eventually started crafting things, specifically baked goods, in said trees. Another species, the Shoesmith elves, focused on their ability to see in the dark, and are known for helping old shoemakers make shoes in the night. The final species of elves, known as the Helper elves, are fabled to help make and deliver toys to good children - even human children - on the first snow of every year. In the 2003 movie, Elf, It was stated that the elves are separated by a class system (much like human upper, middle, and white trash classes), but it is, in fact, evolution that separates the types of elves.

The Helper elves delivered toys to everybody themselves, but as time went on, the population of the world grew very large. Due to the elves’ small stature, they got tired before finishing delivering the toys, so they endowed a few humans with their elfish magic which would allow them to enter into peoples’ houses unnoticed to leave gifts. Temptation got the better of a few of these humans, so the elves researched more powerful magics that would allow one chosen human to travel to all villages to hand out toys in one night. Along with the human, eight reindeer were chosen to help him haul all the gifts to all the little girls and boys. It was around this time they decided to reserve the gift-giving to December 25th. The chosen human, dubbed ‘Santa Claus’ (loosely translated: ‘one who delivers’ in elfish), also inherited a much longer life (about 200 years) and the ability to pass on this power to one other person after he was finished with his reign. An accurate representation of this is seen in the 1988 movie, Ernest Saves Christmas. Much like James Bond, there were good Santas and not-so-good Santas. Chris Cringle, and [Saint] Nicholas Yevsky were among some of the more jolly Santas. Some of the less popular Santas included Ian Wrightly, Hans Himmel, and Nathan Quigly.

Aside from the elf-class misconception in Elf, there are other movies that perpetuate false information regarding Santa and his elves.

• In the Santa Clause movies, Tim Allen’s character inherits the title of Santa Claus, whom he accidentally kills. In reality, part of the elfish magic prevents whomever is the acting Santa from dying. If he were to suffer an otherwise fatal accident, he would be instantly teleported back to the North Pole in perfect health.
• In the book and movie, Polar Express a young boy who is losing faith in Santa rides on a train to visit Santa personally. While there is a train that goes in and out of Santa’s workshop, it’s only used for delivering materials for toys. “To be quite frank,” my elfish informant tells me, “Santa doesn’t care that much if people don’t believe in him, he just doesn’t give anything to non-believers.” Which brings me to my next myth:
• The reindeer and sleigh don’t run on ‘Christmas Spirit’ as seen in Elf, but elfish magic.
• Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is all kinds of wrong.

That’s all I’ve learned about the mysterious history of Santa and his elves through my research and interviews. My inside elf (who chooses to remain anonymous) was very helpful in bringing you this inside look at Santa’s operations. Next time I’ll tell you the story of Kevin Bacon, 37 year old homeless man.