Jason’s babblings.

The following is what I consider to be a Proper Rant. This involves me berating some dumb kid who probably doesn’t deserve to be picked on. Then again, I didn’t deserve to have my time wasted by what he had to say, so we’re even. Parental discretion is advised.

It has recently been brought to my attention that there is a growing fad on the International Webnets where people videotape themselves unwrapping, or ‘unboxing’, things like games, CDs, etc. This is not a gift they open; these aren’t birthday home videos or anything like that - just something they buy and waste the internet by posting a stupid-ass video of them opening the thing they just purchased.

This is one such video. Let’s break it down, shall we?

He starts up with a nice introduction followed by a rude assumption that we know who he is. Then he explains that the game has won several awards by very slowly and awkwardly reading the shiny sticker on the wrapper. Thanks, genius.

Next he explains that he missed out on “unboxing Rock Band and [his] Xbox 360 for [us] guys.” Us guys? Does he think anybody outside his shitty town is actually interested in him unwrapping his shit that he probably didn’t even pay for? Hell, that’s giving him too much credit. I’d wager nobody outside his immediate family cares that he got this new game, and they only care ’cause it’ll shut him up for a few hours.

He displays a tiny morsel of self awareness when he mentions that opening Gears of War is probably not as interesting as a video of him opening Rock Band or the Xbox which, while technically true, is like saying watching flies eat a pile of dogshit is more interesting than watching the shit dry up flylessly (new word alert).

After unwrapping the game, he shows us what we’ve all been waiting for. The Moneyshot, so to speak. The disc and insert are in the exact same spot you’ve seen in every other music, game, and movie case you’ve ever seen in your entire life. Ever. GOD DAMNIT I was so hoping for an explosion or a clown to pop out or something to make this video worthwhile. Maybe a moldy piece of bologna where the CD should be.

He finishes off the abysmal video by using the disc’s reflection to show us the COD4 box that he’s using to prop up his camera (that his mom bought for him, to get him out of her hair) and explains that he’s hoping to get a tripod so he can make these videos easier. More videos? What’s going through this kid’s mind that makes him think ‘more’ is a good idea. Apparently, self censorship is something a few people aren’t afforded when mapping their genomes.

I realize this post comes with an air of hypocrisy. If nobody cares about his shitty video, why should anybody care about my shitty rant? Well, kids, by declaring the hypocrisy of this rant, I’m showing my self awareness, thus absolving myself of any web-sins committed herein. Such is the power of the internet. Speaking of self awareness, all two of my readers should check out his other videos. They’re “priceless” too.

To everybody who has ever made one of these inane videos: Stop. Just don’t do it. It’s retarded. You’re retarded. Don’t think for one minute that anybody gives a shit that you picked up Barbie’s Horse Adventure, let alone wants to watch a video of you unwrapping it.