I was tossing my freshly washed clothes into the dryer yesterday and I noticed a peculiar setting for the automatic dryness sensor: OPTIMUM DRY. I’ve always kept the dryer at this setting, but I never pondered the terminology. Really, anything other than optimal dryness would be sub-optimal. Who wants anything suboptimal when optimal is an option? In my mind, the other options might as well be still wet and burnt to a crisp. Claiming to be optimum is quite a tall order, but my dryer delivers; I’ve never pulled a moist or charred piece of clothing out. The only way my dryer could be more optimum is by folding the clothes when it’s done. When that happens, I’m gonna start buying guns, ’cause there’s some Terminator shit goin’ down.

Along with Optimum, there’s More Dry, Less Dry and Fluff. There’s also timed-dry for when you’re on some kind of laundry-time budget. Those settings are for laundry noobs. Give me Optimum or give me a new dryer, I’ve always said! Actually, this is the first time I said it, but I’ll probably say it again soon.

I’m still searching for a stove/oven with an optimum deliciousness setting.

Jim: i haven’t gone grocery shopping in awhile
Jim: my grandma sent some catfood for Valentine’s Day
Jim: and I’m hungry
Jim: do the math, and you will arrive at what I’m seriously doing right now
Me: grocery shopping?
Jim: no

Fortunately, his grandma feeds her cat tuna.