In the interest of making at least one post every month, I suppose I owe you guys (does anybody read this anymore?) a post for May. No, February 2009 doesn’t count. Stop checking my date thing. STOP IT!

Washing Process

So, um, laundry. I think you first put the water in until it stops filling, then you wait for… No, that’s not it. You put the clothes in first and layer a capful of detergent between each half-foot of clothes like a parfait. The detergent is a clearish blue liquid, I think. I’m not quite sure what it’s made of so I’ve been using blue Kool Aid mixed with honey; that’s been working pretty well for the most part. When the clothes parfait is built, you can start filling the barrel with water. When that’s done,  the washer goblins will come out and agitate the clothes by telling them inappropriate jokes and poking them with sticks. Don’t worry if the washer starts shaking violently, that means the goblins are playing capture the flag against the clothes, and that’s a good thing.

Drying Process

When the buzzer sounds on the washer, the final name-calling session has concluded and the clothes are ready to be thrown in the dryer. When you start the dryer, the clothes will tumble about gleefully in the warm air and hug each other tightly. Some people call this ’static cling’ but I call it ‘happy-tumble-time’. Clothes are mildly irritated by dryer sheets and will stop hugging if one is introduced in their happy-tumble-time. The warm air is pumped into the tumbler by the dryer goblins who stoke the furnace hidden beneath the dryer. They also keep track of time and periodically check the wetness depending on which setting you choose when you start the dryer.

A Note on Goblins

Contrary to popular belief, neither dryer goblins nor washer goblins eat socks nor use them as currency. If you’re missing one it’s likely still in the washer or dryer, or it’s fallen between the two as you were carrying them from one to the other. One last note: Make sure to do the washing process before the drying process. It’s not fun going to work in wet, agitated clothes.

Hey, I’m adding a new feature to the site called Stuff I Forgot. It’ll feature my explanation for stuff I’ve forgotten how to do since moving out of my parents’ house. Today’s topic is how to clean your house or apartment.

Bathroom: Spray Windex everywhere. Sink, toilet, floor, tub, and even the mirrors. Don’t let an inch go un-Windexed. Let it sit for 5 minutes then blot (don’t wipe) it up with the nearest absorbent material. Socks work best.

Kitchen: Remember that Windex? It’s not strong enough for the kitchen so we want to use something stronger. Standard laundry detergent works well in this situation. Dilute one cup of detergent with one quart of boiling hot lemonade for the best results. If you have a brushed-steel sink (I do), use sandpaper to get between the brush grooves. 400 grit is good for Kohler sinks, your mileage may vary.

Cobwebs: Don’t clean these. They trap nasty bugs that would otherwise be flying in your mouth when you sleep. Besides, where would the spiders sleep if they didn’t have their cobwebs? How would you like it if someone crushed your house with a giant broom?

Dusting: Swiffer. But not the cobwebs!

Walls: Twice a year, repeatedly wash down your walls with a progressively-more-damp sponge. Five repetitions should get all the dust goblins from deep below the surface. Every 3 washings, mix in some rug shampoo to give its coat a nice shine. Remember to avoid the cobwebs! Allow 5 hours to air dry before rehanging your medieval weapon display. 3 hours if you use a giant novelty folding fan.

Finally, remember to replace your cat filter every 3-4 months, refill your toaster sanitizer weekly, and trim your broom hairs whenever they get longer than an inch per 300 sq. ft. of your house.

Remember, a clean house is a happy house. Happy houses are less likely to develop roof blisters. So keep your house clean! God help you if you get roof blisters.