Hey, I’m adding a new feature to the site called Stuff I Forgot. It’ll feature my explanation for stuff I’ve forgotten how to do since moving out of my parents’ house. Today’s topic is how to clean your house or apartment.

Bathroom: Spray Windex everywhere. Sink, toilet, floor, tub, and even the mirrors. Don’t let an inch go un-Windexed. Let it sit for 5 minutes then blot (don’t wipe) it up with the nearest absorbent material. Socks work best.

Kitchen: Remember that Windex? It’s not strong enough for the kitchen so we want to use something stronger. Standard laundry detergent works well in this situation. Dilute one cup of detergent with one quart of boiling hot lemonade for the best results. If you have a brushed-steel sink (I do), use sandpaper to get between the brush grooves. 400 grit is good for Kohler sinks, your mileage may vary.

Cobwebs: Don’t clean these. They trap nasty bugs that would otherwise be flying in your mouth when you sleep. Besides, where would the spiders sleep if they didn’t have their cobwebs? How would you like it if someone crushed your house with a giant broom?

Dusting: Swiffer. But not the cobwebs!

Walls: Twice a year, repeatedly wash down your walls with a progressively-more-damp sponge. Five repetitions should get all the dust goblins from deep below the surface. Every 3 washings, mix in some rug shampoo to give its coat a nice shine. Remember to avoid the cobwebs! Allow 5 hours to air dry before rehanging your medieval weapon display. 3 hours if you use a giant novelty folding fan.

Finally, remember to replace your cat filter every 3-4 months, refill your toaster sanitizer weekly, and trim your broom hairs whenever they get longer than an inch per 300 sq. ft. of your house.

Remember, a clean house is a happy house. Happy houses are less likely to develop roof blisters. So keep your house clean! God help you if you get roof blisters.